


Somewhere New

by AliciaMarie43



Series: Never Beyond Repair [2]
Category: Captain America
Genre: Anger, Cute, Dancing, M/M, Memories, Shy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-17 00:56:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2291048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliciaMarie43/pseuds/AliciaMarie43
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Steve finds James, James soon remembers how much he liked to dance and how much he liked Steve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Somewhere New

**Somewhere new**

When Steve found James, he was sitting in the museum concealed in darkness in the back of the narrow room, his shoulders hunched and his face following the moving real of tape that had been saved from the war. His eyes were glassy and blood shot like he hadn’t slept in weeks and to be fair Steve thought that might have been true. Steve watched as James sat still, knowing that James already knew he was there and could leave if he wanted. Steve wouldn't force him to talk to him. Steve noticed the stubble and the longer hair before sitting down next to him in the dark.

Bucky had his ball cap low over his eyes but Steve could tell he was looking at the picture of himself on the far wall that was moving in the same four poses. It was easy to see the resemblance but it was also just as easy to miss them. If Steve hadn’t known Bucky like he knew the back of his hand, he would’ve hesitated to even call him that. 70 years was a long time to go through something like Bucky had gone through.

Steve wasn’t sure why Bucky chose now to stop running from him. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was tired or if he was getting memories back, but Steve didn’t care. He just wanted Bucky back in his life. He needed Bucky more than Bucky probably realized. Steve had said it before and he was pretty sure he’d say it again: even when he had nothing, he had Bucky.

“Bucky,” Steve started but James cut him off with a jerk of his hand. James squeezed his eyes shut before forcing his voice out and over his lips.

“James,” he whispered, not making eye contact. He watched as the corners of Steve’s eye crinkled in defeat but the smile on Steve’s face did not diminish. Steve didn’t say anything for a long while and James was starting to think Steve had already given up on him and realized he wasn’t who he thought James was.

“Why don’t we go home, James?” He didn’t need more than that. He just got up, stretching after sitting for so long and followed Steve away to his apartment.

It wasn’t a long walk. Just long enough for James to feel the familiar itch to hide. His brain was screaming at him that he had been in eye sight for too long and that the back of his neck was uncomfortably exposed. He started walking faster and if Steve noticed he didn’t say anything, letting James lead the way.

James led the way all the way up the stairs and to the front door. Steve was busying looking for his key in his pocket but James had already swiped his spare from in the potted plant next to the door and eased the door open. James just needed to get inside and maybe run a perimeter check to make sure Steve wasn’t in any danger. He barely noticed Steve looking at him but when he did, James could tell he was wondering how many times James had used that key to stay here when Steve was away.

They got into a kind of routine. At least that’s what James thought it was. They’d wake up and eat, go for a run maybe with Sam, maybe without. Then they’d come back to the apartment and James would run perimeter checks. Steve never tried to stop him, just always asked him to come back. James would’ve come back anyway, but it was nice to hear. Then Steve would go out on his own missions while James stayed at SHEILD HQ and had therapy. He didn’t mind it too much.

But sometimes, he’d think himself into a panic. He’d wake up feeling so much like the Winter Soldier. His skin would be too tight along his collar bones and it felt like his bones were being rubbed raw from his metal arm. He’d push Steve away then. He could hurt him if he slipped into the Winter Soldier and he didn’t want to no matter how much his orders were screamed at him inside his own head. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he killed or hurt Steve. He barely managed to live with himself just remembering the horrible gunshot scars he’d given him. He’d lay in bed for hours trying to just breathe and right when it would get to be too much Steve would make a habit of coming in loudly to let James know he was there. He’d have coffee and they’d just lay in bed together with the lights off and the curtains closed. Steve was now the one helping James breath instead of the other way around and it didn’t take long for James to figure out why Steve always liked to be held after an asthma attack.

After getting situated into each other’s lives again, Steve decided he wanted to move James to Brooklyn in the hopes that it would jog James’s memory. Sam came with them after the man James swore he had killed recruited him for SHIELD. So, Steve and James had an apartment right over Sam’s in a nice part of the city. The part of Brooklyn that James knew, even though he didn’t know how he knew, and that they shouldn’t have been able to afford this much space.

It was much larger from the apartment James thought he remembered. The one before was open. Just one tiny room with all of their stuff pushed into the corners, the kitchen directly in front of them with the bathroom the only room with walls. They had had one bed and a table but not much else except clothes and a dresser. Steve had had a desk under the window. The showers were down the hall.

This apartment was spacious. Almost too spacious, if James was being honest. It was too soft and too bright. The windows were too big, letting light into the living room at all hours of the day. The two bedrooms were at different ends of the hall and the bathroom was cavernous. James’s footsteps would echo even to himself and the large mirror reflected his arm back to him over and over and over again. But the mirror didn’t last for very long.

James was in the bathroom about three weeks into living in Brooklyn when he found himself standing in front of the mirror looking at himself. It was almost shocking to see himself in a reflection after not seeing a mirror for almost 70 years. He was pale, much to pale compared to the pictures at the museum. His hair was tangled and long and he had the urge to hack it off but no way of doing so. His scars were silver in the lighting of the room. Every scar had a story, he knew that, but what was it? He didn’t know how he got the burn along his shoulder or the gunshot wound on his leg or the long gashing scars on his arm. Was it from when he was Bucky or from before?

He didn’t know why he pulled his real arm back instead of the metal one but before he knew it the mirror was shattered over his bare feet and his knuckles were bleeding down to his writs. He sat on the toilet and waited for the pounding feet in the hall to reach him.

“Bucky,” said Steve coming in, “Are you okay?” He just took in the image before him before getting the first aid kit. He never replaced mirror.

The only other thing about the living arrangements that he didn’t find likeable was he got his own room. It was a little more disappointing than he would have normally admitted to anyone. He didn’t know why he wanted someone else in the bed with him, just that for some reason it felt too big all to himself. Then, his first nightmare living with Steve happened. It was raining outside and James remembered the first time Hydra had captured him. The pain at being alive even though he had begged to die. The confusion when Steve had saved him. Then Steve curled around him to keep his thoughts from driving them both crazy, and his warmth pulled him out of the cold memories. That’s when the nagging stopped for someone to be there with him.

The next morning the nagging was worse and had a habit of creeping up on him when he least expected it. He started noticing things he should’ve over looked in Steve. Like how handsome he was, or graceful even though he was a big guy. How Steve bit his lip when he sketched something or how he always stood with his hands on his hips. But the memories that he was getting back, the pieces anyway, told him that the feelings he was rediscovering were to be left alone. So, that’s what he did until it got to be too much and he found himself in the shower, his hand between his legs and Steve’s name on his lips.

He had only decided to take a shower because he needed some space away from Steve. He knew he was being ridiculous and that he had no reason to feel this way. James just couldn’t help wondering what it would feel like to have Steve pressed up against him and his lips on James’s face...

Steve didn’t need to know.

It was better if Steve stayed as far out as James was willing to let him. He’d rather have Steve as just a friend than anything else in the world. He wasn’t about to tell Steve anything and then get punched in the face and walked out on. He knew how it’d end for himself and he wasn’t going to do it.

After a few months of trying to sift through his half memories, pining over Steve and therapy with Sam, one memory surfaced that was so beautiful and so vibrant he had a hard time letting it go. The girl he was with was wearing red but the color had never bothered him less and she was spinning and coming back. He flipped her around just to spin her away again. He hadn’t remembered ever feeling so happy, he guessed. It was an alien emotion but the memory of him out dancing was great. He didn’t miss the yearning though in the memory. He just pushed it away. One emotion at a time here, James.

After the memory was there in his head he found it difficult to get past it and put it aside. He’d dream about it almost every night until the nightmares crept back in. It was the first real memory he had succeed in attaining through all the months of therapy. He wanted to tell Steve about it but then again it was his and he was a little scared to share it. Like it wouldn’t be just his if he shared.

Instead he went searching for what his memory was in the first place. He knew it was dancing but he had never seen anyone today dancing like that. He vaguely recalled a website that Sam had shown him: youtube? So, he went there and typed some words in and watched the videos load. He must’ve watched at least a dozen before he heard the door open and exited out.

It took James two weeks before he went looking for the dancing videos again. This time, though, he found actual dance websites of companies around the country. He didn’t remember how to dance exactly so it didn’t take long for him to stumble onto a website for a dance studio in Brooklyn. He couldn’t explain it even to himself why he was looking at it but he was. It was called Jazzy’s place. He found that it was for anyone with any level of experience and you could do all the boring dances but also swing, hip hop and freestyle. Call him old fashioned but he stuck with swing (how nice it was to have a name for it) and began clicking on the pictures and videos.

James hadn’t heard the door, well, he did, just decided to ignore it. He also decided to ignore Steve’s soft footsteps coming up behind him even though his instincts told him to attack and his memories told him to wonder if Steve would have a black eye. Steve’s hand came down on his shoulder and the tension James had in them slipped away. He hadn’t realized he was tense until he was touched.

“Whatcha watching,” Steve asked looking over James’s shoulder. He just shrugged as the couple in one of the videos continued to dance on the stage. It was choreographed, James could tell that, but it seemed like they just flowed through the music.

It was like Steve knew and was just waiting for James to say it out loud. Steve just stood there giving James this look of like, pride, or something that James wasn’t particularly accustomed to. “Classes, I think,” he started but that was all Steve needed to start saying how he’d go with him to talk to someone or whatever it was he needed. “Steve, I can handle it.”

“I know,” Steve said.

The first time he went to Jazzy’s was a week after that and he couldn’t go in. It wasn’t because he was afraid of being the only man. There was enough in there as it was. That was the problem. The people. So many people going in and out, yelling and tapping through. It was tiring just to watch it all go down. The lights and the voices and the shoulder to shoulder traffic was just too intimidating.

He had taken the subway ten minutes to the place and was giving himself a pep talk when the crowd thickened and his breathing hitched. He was getting jostled and even though he felt like he could handle this miner glitch in his plan the massive amount of people inside was daunting. Outside in fresh air was one thing but inside a cramped building was something else entirely.

James stood there for a moment before turning around and going back.

Steve didn’t say anything about the short trip and James was sort of irritated. Did Steve just assume he’d chicken out or wouldn’t be able to handle it? His irritation was cut short when they both sat down to dinner and he had to sit in front of Steve. It was like his anger was completely snuffed out when Steve looked at him like that. It was slightly annoying that the way Steve’s mouth moved was distracting James away from his anger but James would admit that to himself some other time. Right now he needed to remember how to breathe properly.

Ever since he had admitted to himself that he found Steve more than a little enduring he was having a hard time not looking at him. He found himself looking at Steve more and more as the weeks wore on into months. He looked while Steve was sketching, eating, laughing. He was pretty sure he even watched while Steve was brushing his teeth but no one needed to know that. No one except Sam seemed to notice which was ok. Sam would just smile and then look between them when Steve wasn’t looking. James had the feeling the only reason Sam didn’t say anything was because James was still working on his anger issues.

He knew like the sky was blue that he was more than a little attracted to the guy in front of him. But he was also painstakingly aware that he and Steve had never and probably would never be more than just pals. Most of the time it didn’t bother him because honestly it was Steve. He was lucky to have the guy as a friend he shouldn’t even want more than that. He was lucky to be able to look at him without having to go to a museum.

But even though he was able to control it most of the time there were moments when Steve would laugh or bit his lip and James had to physically force himself to stop being creepy and staring. He tried to keep his gaze on his mashed potatoes and give as much conversation as he was getting. He couldn’t help that his eyes kept flicking to Steve’s mouth but Steve didn’t seem to notice which was great because James wasn’t in the mood to try and explain anything to anyone.

He cleared his dish away sooner than strictly necessary but he could just blow that off to a bad day or something if pressed about it. He knew he wouldn’t be because Steve was so careful to give him space unless James was the one initiating the contact. “Steve,” he whispered and he wasn’t sure why he said it except that maybe it was something to make him feel more here and not trapped in his head.

“Yeah,” Steve responded.

James bit his lip trying to think what he wanted to say but as the silence stretched he just continued to stare at the big guy before placing his hand on top of Steve’s head and walking out. Gestures where so much easier than speaking, he thought.

He lay awake for a couple hours that night thinking about the best way to tackle his problems with Jazzy’s and Steve but after the third time thinking of the same plan of attack he drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

_Bucky could see where Steve was as he twirled the girl around the dance floor. Steve’s date was scowling and tapping her foot and Steve was oblivious, just like every other time Bucky got him a date. Bucky just shook his head before taking his date back over to the other girl asking if she wanted to dance and then taking the time to dance between the two girls as Steve looked more than a little sad at the situation._

_“I’m just no good at this,” Steve had said later after walking the girls home. Bucky’s date had kissed him on the cheek and Steve’s had just stomped off into the house without backward glance or even a goodnight._

_“Have you ever heard of trying,” Said Bucky, “I mean, did you even ask her to dance?”_

_Steve looked at him like he was the oblivious one, “Of course but she said no. She said, some stuff, and that was that.”_

_“What kind of stuff,” Bucky pressed knowing full well that she had probably said something about Steve’s size which was just annoying because why was he the only one beside old ladies at church that saw the size of the man trapped inside such a small body?_

_“It’s not important,” Steve said which was just his way of confirming what Bucky already knew but Bucky didn’t say anything. Just led the way home, taking more breaks in their walk than he would need but considering Steve._

_Steve didn’t wait when they got home before changing and going to sleep, a sad look on his face as he faced the wall away from Bucky. He had a hard time not putting his arms around Steve in his sleep but he knew that that wasn’t how this type of thing worked. He just lay there, Steve closer than normal in the mild air._

He knew he hadn’t screamed out at night or had a nightmare because Steve was not in his bed when he woke up. He was aware that his dream had been a pleasant one but of what he wasn’t sure. He just got up and ready, Steve peeking up from his sketchbook as James headed out to tackle that pesky dance studio.

The subway was less crowded in the morning and so was the dance studio he noticed as he walked up to it. He had to mentally prepare himself to go in but when he did a bell over the door jingled and woman behind the counter greeted him.

“Hi, welcome to Jazzy’s,” she said, “Can I help you?”

James swallowed. He could do this. “I was interested in…uh…lessons I guess. I mean…I used to…but not anymore. Swing mostly…but….uh…yeah…I don’t really….” And he sputtered out before going silent. She grinned a warm smile before pulling out papers and things for him to look at and sign.

It was surprisingly easy to sign up and get into the beginner adult class and James was still nervous because now he’d have to be paired with some girl and talk and focus on something longer than his goldfish attention span would allow. The woman behind the desk just told him what stuff he should expect and how if he found he was remembering more than he thought now it wouldn’t be a problem to advance him to a different class later.

He said thank you and left after she told him to just come back on Wednesday.

 

When he got back to the apartment a note from Steve was on the door saying he’d be back in a few days. That he and Nat where away on a mission, sorry that it was last minute with three tiny x’s at the bottom. James cringed at the word mission. He hated that word but Steve didn’t know that and James wasn’t going to tell him. Plus the x’s were like a small comfort anyway. He shouldered through the door and collapsed on the couch.

It was around 6 when Sam let himself in with take out and rented movies. James was pretty sure Steve asked Sam to make sure James ate and took care of himself when Steve wasn’t there to do it but it didn’t bother James, if anything it made him feel wanted. “Dude, I got you an eggroll.”

“This is why we’re friends,” James replied and it sounded almost like Bucky but James stopped that thought before it went too far. It was one of his longer sentences and one that Sam wasn’t used to hearing because James didn’t normally say anyone was his friend. Except Steve. So when Sam smiled at him, James felt good, almost as good as seeing Steve’s tiny x’s.

Once they were situated with food in front of them, crossed legged on the floor, the movie playing softly in front of them, Sam decided he wanted to talk. “What you been up to lately?”

“I signed up for dance classes,” he said and it was nice how easily he could let that come out. Sam didn’t look taken aback by the knowledge.

“Like what kind? Just like whatever classes or competition classes,” Sam questioned like it was completely normal for an ex-Soviet assassin to want to take dance lessons. Maybe that’s why James liked him so much.

“I’m not sure yet,” and they finished the movie and their food in silence.

James woke up the next morning, Wednesday morning, with a sticky note on his forehead. It was a note from Sam saying he was applaud that James had fallen asleep and that he owed him for not drawing on James’s face. James was just shocked that he had fallen asleep at all with someone around him and stayed asleep when they left.

His eyes flashed to the clock and it said he had about an hour before he had a place to be so he got moving, eating cereal as he picked what he’d wear to Jazzy’s. His shower was short, habits of having to save hot water for Steve was hard to break and he found himself on the subway with his blank phone in his face.

He clicked out of flappy bird when the train stopped and he hopped off, the studio looming in front of him. He pushed open the door to find that just like yesterday it was quieter than before. The lady behind the counter waved and walked him to where he needed to be. She also got him shoes.

James stood in the back where he could see everyone and the exits. A few of the girls would turn and stare at him but none seemed too disturbed by his long hair and metal arm so he didn’t worry about it. The moves were easy, familiar and he picked them up faster than the other students. The teacher would smile as she would pass without comment each time she taught a move, stopping to help the others.

When the lesson was over he wasn’t even out of breath but he supposed his off brand serum had something to do with that. “James,” he heard. He turned to see the instructor looking at him and waving him over. He walked over there and stopped a foot in front of her.

“I don’t normally do this but,” she said, “How would you like to be in my competitive couple’s class. You move really well.”

“I don’t have anyone,” he said. She waved him off.

“One of my female students needs a partner and she is the perfect height for you if you’re interested.” He couldn’t think of a reason to say no so he didn’t. The instructor beamed and told him to come Friday in the morning to meet his partner and to start for regionals. He didn’t know what that was but he figured it was good so he agreed before leaving.

After leaving the studio he had no desire to go back to his empty apartment so he strolled through a park and found himself walking towards a coffee place. It was tiny, right between two larger buildings but it still seemed to fit right in with the scenery. James could smell the coffee from where he was standing and thought about all the times he and Steve wished they had enough money to buy hot drinks. He remembered feeling really cold all the time with the smell of hot cocoa in the air the absence of jingling money in his pocket. He didn’t mean to go in, it just sort of happened. It seemed quiet and nice. No one was really there, just a few people milling around outside and a girl with dark hair inside.

He went in, ordered. “Can I get your name,” the girl, her name tag said Andy, asked. She had a bright open face but it wasn’t fake like some of the other smiles he had seen. He thought about it a beat too long before rambling James off and scooting away. When he got the coffee she said his name and handed it to him. It was warm and he left deciding not to stay. He forgot about the girl as soon as she was out of sight.

Hours passed before he went back home to see that Steve was home early. He had to have just walked in because his duffle was still on the floor by the door. “Steve?”

“Yeah, Buck. I’m in the kitchen.” James walked in there his stomach tight over that stupid name to see Steve sitting cross legged on the counter, a cup of coffee in his hands. “I got home early.” James had the urge to walk over and hug Steve, bring him close after not seeing him but he stayed where he was, arms at his side.

“Obviously,” James said pulling a cup out of the dishwasher and filling his own with coffee.

“How was that dance thing?”

James thought about it for a minute and was happy that Steve didn’t badger him to answer faster. He just sat there intently waiting for an answer as James looked into his coffee like it held them. “Friday I’m going to get a partner.”

Steve just nodded and they left it at that.

That night the nightmares settled back in to James’s mind and left him thrashing around his bed. Steve of course was there when James finally woke up and he stayed there the rest of the night curled around James.

James just wanted this all the time. Wanted Steve curled around him whether he was having a nightmare or not. He just wanted to wake up and see Steve and know that he was okay and still breathing first thing in the morning but those days were over. He had enough scattered memories to know they used to share a bed but that had more to do with keeping Steve alive than them wanting to share.

He pulled Steve’s hand into his before nodding back off.

Thursday passed in a blur of SHEILD business. He had therapy on Thursdays so he was busy with that. Not to mention that Steve always made a habit of taking him somewhere familiar on therapy days for lunch. So, he found himself sitting across from Steve in an old, ugly, faded diner in Brooklyn.

It didn’t take long for pictures of it looking young and fresh, music playing to flood his mind. He saw himself and girls of all looks drinking milkshakes but an underlining thought in all of them was how much he wished it was a particular blond guy in their place.

“Want to split a milkshake?” asked Steve and James could never even think of the word no when Steve looked at him like that so he said yes.

He thought dinner with Steve was bad but sharing a milkshake with half memories of countless and faceless dates doing the same thing fresh in his mind was torture. He knew torture, he had experienced enough.

It had to be a sin to have eyes that blue or lips like that. Or that laugh, jeez that laugh. James knew he was in way over his head and couldn’t think how terrible he was bound to mess up. Bucky had been a strong man who could overcome this type of thing but he wasn’t even close to being that good of a person.

They walked back to the place not long after they finished the shake. Steve paid because he was just that type of person and they slowly made their way back. Only to find a weirdly placed Nat in front of their door. James couldn’t help himself.

“If you don’t move you might start to sprout roots.” She didn’t laugh but her eyes did light up so he counted it as a win.

“Barton wants a movie night,” she said looking at Steve, “Something about team bonding.”

Steve bit his lip but before he could answer James did it for him, “No bird movies.” Then he left a slightly breathless Steve and a confused Nat in his wake. He heard them through his walls, thanks to his enhanced hearing, talking to Banner, Barton and Stark. Banner and Barton would be there but Stark was away for some business trip and Barton said Thor was coming but would be late so he was going to bring food. James knew that meant pizza.

James knew that everyone coming would bring a movie. They’d draw numbers and the first one was the only one they really watched. Sometimes, at least according to Steve, they’d make it half way through the second before starting something else but they never made it to three. They had assassin/spy attention spans. They were the poster children for ADD.

James hadn’t met everyone on Steve’s team. Just Nat and at passing in a SHEILD hallway, Barton. But that was it. He knew Thor was as close to a God as you could be and he knew about Banner’s other guy and he had read Stark half deleted file. The first half had been deleted and changed, even James could tell that much.

He wasn’t exactly chipper over the idea that if the Other Guy stopped by Steve would be in danger but Steve seemed to trust Banner so that was good enough for James too. He was still nervous, anyway.

Banner had brought War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise which was a tiny point in James liking him a little more. Nat had brought Donny Brasco with Johnny Depp which wasn’t shocking. Barton pulled out a battered copy of Amityville Horror the original. Steve took Snow White off the shelf. When Thor got there he had pizza and Finding Nemo.

Finding Nemo was first and even though James would never admit it he really liked this movie. It didn’t take long for Nat to pull the alcohol and other drinks from out of nowhere and demand to play some kind of weird version of spin the bottle.

“We can’t even get drunk,” said Steve, and James saw Thor nodding.

“Just spin, Steve,” she said. He looked at her and then deciding he’d lose in a fight, Steve spun. Orange juice.

Nat spun next and got grape juice with Barton taking a shot of Tequila. Banner got prune juice and Thor got some vodka, “This tastes like water,” he exclaimed but they ignored him and continued.

James, Steve and Thor couldn’t get drunk but the other three could. Banner was about the most sober out of the others because of the Other Guy keeping him safe.

Barton was slurred and giggly and Nat was drunk even though it was impossible to tell. Steve called everyone a cab except Thor who flew, jumped, away. Then it was just he and James.

“That was fun,” said Steve. His face was red but his speech was even and light.

“Yeah, night, Steve.”

“Night, Buck.”

His chest got tight but he ignored it and closed the door to give himself some space away from the puppy dog eyes of Steve Rogers.

 

James woke up early on Friday and got ready to go back to Jazzy’s. Steve was sitting on the counter again with coffee in his hand as James grabbed his keys. “Wanna walk with me,” asked James before he could stop himself. Steve just looked at him before nodding and slipping off the counter.

Steve shut the door behind them and then filled the silence with easy chatter. James liked listening to Steve talk. Most of the time it was easy to tune out but the buzz of his voice was comforting and nice. They kept up talking and laughing, well, Steve laughing, as they made their way to the door. Steve patted him on the shoulder before wishing him luck.

“See ya, James,” Steve said.

James wasn’t sure why he said it but he did and there was no taking it back, “see ya, Stevie.” He didn’t wait for Steve to say anything, he just walked into the building and signed in at the counter where the woman, Colleen, was mentally beating himself up at the slip.

Steve would probably start thinking he was getting better if he kept up that way. He had been doing so well at keeping Bucky under James. He knew that if he started acting in similar ways before and then slip up back into the man he was now, Steve would just be hurt more. He wasn’t about to do that. It was better for everyone if he pushed his buried Bucky part back down when he tried to claw his way back.

James hadn’t realized he had walked into the room until the instructor who he had been with on Wednesday came out, reminded him her name, Sheryl, and led him farther into the dance room they’d be using. It was empty except for one girl on the far side of the room. She had dark hair that hung at least to her waist but it was pulled up into a ponytail. She was stretching but when Sheryl called to her she came and skipped over.

“This is James,” Sheryl said and James reached to shake the girl’s hand.

“Hey,” she said a spark of recognition in her eyes, “I saw you Wednesday. You stopped at the café.”

“Yeah, Andy, right?” Was that creepy that his weird noticing of everything made him remember her name as soon as she spoke? He couldn’t even remember his own name half the time. She smiled and laughed before shaking his hand.

Sheryl let them stretch and talk for fifteen. “Where’s everyone else?”

Andy looked at him, “Couple dancing is one couple for an hour at a time. So it’s just you and me.”

“Oh.”

“Thanks for doing this. My partner switched studios after we got third last season.”

“Sore loser,” James asked.

“That’s an understatement.”

Sheryl was tough but James liked it. It kept him busy and it was more of a challenge than the other class. His body remembered the moves but he had no memory of them except the one memory. Sheryl and Andy would tell him to do a certain move and then he’d flow straight through to an easy next move without thought. Letting the music carry him through the steps.

“Where have you been all my life,” Andy laughed when he lifted her and spun her over his shoulder. He knew that question didn’t warrant an answer so he left it hanging. Sheryl snapped the music off and swaggered over to them beaming.

“I like what I see. James you’re a natural. I think I have a routine coming to mind but I’ll need music ideas,” Sheryl rattled off. She looked at Andy than at him but both didn’t have suggestions so Sheryl changed the subject, “Ok. Meet back here same time on Sunday.” She raised her eye brows like she wanted them to protest but neither did.

James grabbed his phone and wallet from next to the wall, Andy falling into step next to him. She was easy to be around. Easy silence that didn’t demand to be broken.

“Who’s that,” Andy’s voice broke in. Steve was standing on the curb waiting for him. Steve smiled and waved when he saw James through the window.

“My..uh…friend. Steve.”

Andy just smiled. It was like she knew. “See ya Sunday, James.”

James liked going to Jazzy’s pretty much every other day sometimes all day. He worked hard to get the steps and the counts and to actually have correct foot work. In the 40’s it didn’t matter if you did it right, just as long as you did it.

He also was very fond of Andy, who had made a habit of calling him Jimmy. She was becoming as close to a friend as he knew in this life and he was comfortable with her. She also didn’t look at him like he was crazy when he talked about Steve. She just grinned like she knew what he was leaving out but when he got self-conscious she’d change the subject. Most of the time to her boyfriend who couldn’t “dance if his life was at stake” named Cameron. So, when a month went by it wasn’t shocking.

What was shocking was when Andy invited him over for movies and pizza and he agreed. She said Saturday after practice so they could just go over together and maybe stop off at Marko’s to get food. She didn’t really force him to go but he didn’t feel like it was a suggestion either more like be there or be square.

 

“Sorry, Jim,” she said opening the door to her apartment, “Cam’s here.”

They walked into the kitchen where Cam was leaning against the counter and texting on his phone. When he saw James coming in behind her, at first James saw the signs of confrontation but then they slipped away.

“You must be James,” he said, shaking his hand, “Andy talks about you a lot.”

“Nice to meet you.”

After he let go of James’s hand he turned back to Andy, kissed her cheek and then said he had to go. Something about the restaurant needing extra people.

“So, pizza?”

That night was a good night even though James knew he wouldn’t be sleeping. He couldn’t sleep around Andy. Not because he didn’t trust her but because he wasn’t going to risk having a nightmare with her right next to him on the floor in her living room. Except sleep turned out not to be a problem because Andy was as bright eyed and awake as she was during the day.

“So, tell me about Steve,” she said after a while.

"I tell you about Steve all the time,” he said picking pepperoni off his cold pizza.

She rolled her eyes, “No. Like you and him. Together. Like what’s up? Spill. Details. Something before I go crazy.” James thought about it for a second and realized that Andy really did want to know. She wasn’t just prying she was genuinely curious about them.

“I don’t know exactly,” and then he saw her face, “I mean. I guess I like him. Small amount. Sorta.” He knew she knew he was lying but she didn’t comment on it.

“Does he smally, sorta like you back?”

“No. No,” he said shaking his head, “Absolutely not.”

“C’mon, Jim. Be real.”

“I’m being really real right now.” She laughed as he looked at her but she dropped the topic. They spent the rest of the evening just laying around, watching youtube videos before Andy fell asleep at around dawn.

“Jimmy, your boy’s here,” Andy said two weeks later after a day together fine tuning their routine, both of them had sweat on their necks and James was thinking how he needed a haircut. Their song was Dance with Me Tonight but Olly Murs and it was still ringing in James’s ears.

“He’s not my boy,” said James laughing because yes, Steve was standing by the curb waiting for James to change his shoes and make his way out into the darkening night.

“Whatever you say, SlimJim,” she responded before ducking out and saying good bye to Colleen.

When James did come out finally Steve pushed off the curb and walked next to him. James found himself telling Steve about his day and how he thought they had a good chance of winning or at least going to States. “Have you picked a song yet?” James had told him it was between Dance with Me and Candy man by Christine Aguilera.  
James liked how easy it was to fill the space with his own voice. It had taken awhile to get used to the sound of himself instead of just Steve. It was nice to finally be okay enough for this.

“Yeah, the Olly one.” Steve just nodded before hanging his head. James knew that Steve wanted to ask him something but he couldn’t read his mind so James had no clue what was making Steve’s eyes crinkle like that.

“Steve, spit it out.”

“Tony Stark’s throwing a party tomorrow,” Steve said not making eye contact and the task of opening their door was a good distraction.

“You want me to go,” James said. It wasn’t a question.

“Only if you want to.”

“Ok, Steve.”

“Ok?”

“Ok.”

James went to sleep that night and dreamed of twirling Steve around instead of Andy.

Steve wanted him to wear a suit because this was a Stark party. Whatever that meant. So because he wanted that smile plastered onto Steve’s face he did it. He put on the scratchy, too tight, suit and tried to smile through his annoyance and nerves but it didn’t quite meet his eyes. Steve probably thought nerves and not annoyance but James knew better.  
This Stark fellow, who James was starting to not like because at the mere mention of his name Steve smiled, sent them a car to pick them up. A new spark of annoyance settled in James’s chest because didn’t this Stark know Steve was his? Even though he had no real claim to Steve it was still true.

They walked in and everyone was freaking out over Captain America and Steve was eating it up. Didn’t he know James liked Steve way better than Cap any day so why was he so focused on people who only liked the shield? This was a new emotion: Jealousy. James didn’t know what to make of that except that maybe he should talk to Andy about “his boy”.

James could see the man that looked familiar as he leaned against the bar. Steve was pointing him out saying something but James wasn’t really listening. He wasn’t sure where he had seen him before but his face was so similar to something he had seen. His memories were scattered and disorganized but he knew he had seen something just like him before. The black hair, the cocky walk. The mustache. It was all so frustratingly familiar and he didn’t know why.

He was standing next to Steve who seemed happy to see the man. “Hey, Tony,” Steve said shaking the guy’s hand. Always the gentlemen. Then motioned over to James, “This is Bu-James. James, Tony.” James was happy that Steve kept the Bucky thing between them. Like it was something just for them.

It happened in slow motion or at least James thought it did. His hands got sweaty, his throat was too thick. He couldn’t breathe because he knew. He could see it. The memory was suffocating with the amount of smoke twisting toward the sky but he wasn’t sure if he had noticed at the time. He tried to find an exit but the room was slowly becoming blurry and he wasn’t sure but he thought Steve was saying something to him.

He couldn’t see what was happening in front of him after that. His mind was too far away. Decades away, really.

The car was crackling and smoking, making it hard to breathe. James was moving stealthy through the smoky accident to see two bodies inside the car, their eyes frozen in laughter. He half wondered if the man had told some witty joke. The part of him that wasn’t in control was screaming at him to help, do something. Anything. But the bigger part of himself was sort of satisfied that they were dead. The man in the drivers’ seat was scarred and blood was oozing out of his chest. His skin was hanging off in burnt folds. James looked down and saw the small piece of plastic with the man’s face and name.

He came back to himself with Steve saying his name over and over but he pushed Steve away. He needed fresh air. He didn’t care that Steve looked slightly hurt as he stumbled away. The stagnant air in the room felt sticky on his skin, his stupid party clothes felt too small. He hadn’t realized he was crying until it was too late and his vision was blurry.  
He made it all the way out to the hallway, slid down the wall and brought his knees to his chest when Steve caught up to him. “James. What’s wrong?”

He didn’t know how to answer or if he even wanted to. He found himself saying, “Stop. Stop,” and holding his arms out like they’d keep Steve away from him. Steve was so good and right and he was messed up. He was bad for Steve. He should’ve left ages ago and let Steve move on with his life. He was a badly disguised man behind Bucky’s face. He knew Steve was convinced but then again James was a trained liar.

Steve did stop but he didn’t go away. “Was it a memory,” he asked sitting down across from James.

“There was so much fire. So much,” he said not sure if that even made sense but Steve nodded and leaned against the wall. James looked at him through his blurry eyes and bit his lip. It was selfish but he wanted Steve close. Wanted him far away too. It must have been on his face because then Steve’s arms were wrapping around him like he was some small child.

He tucked his head into the crook of Steve’s neck and listened as he hummed into James. “I have to tell you something,” he said. It was now or never and he felt like it had to be now.

“Ok, Buck. You can tell me anything.” James liked when Steve slipped and called him Bucky. It felt nice to be thought of as someone good even though he knew he’d never be that person again.

“In the fire,” he started, “It was Howard.” He remembered Howard now. He had been around in the war. He wasn’t sure what Howard had done for them but he knew that they were supposed to have been friends. There was no denying that Tony was related. Maybe even the son James hadn’t wanted to hurt.

Steve didn’t even flinch when James said the name. “It wasn’t you. You had no choice,” he reasoned and James felt a sickening feeling in his stomach. Steve was trying to convince himself of that, not James.

“I could’ve fought it harder. You would’ve,” he barely whispered holding on because now wasn’t the time he wanted Steve far away. He wasn’t sure he ever wanted him far away. It was just something he thought was better for Steve but it’d be worse for himself. He dug his fingers into Steve’s jacket.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got you,” he heard Steve whisper back. He wasn’t sure how long they sat like that. Sooner than James would’ve wanted Natasha, who he was slowly beginning to trust again, came to see if they were okay. Steve answered but James didn’t catch it.

He only caught on that he and Steve were leaving when he was helped off the ground and Steve led him to the door. He fell into step next to Steve without much thought. Happy that that wasn’t something he had to relearn. Steve’s hands were swaying at his side, pink from the cold. James kept seeing them in the corner of his eye but buried his hands in  
his jacket pocket.

He wasn’t sure why he did it. He shouldn’t have wanted to do it. He didn’t think Steve wanted him to but he wasn’t sure what exactly he was afraid of. It was like his body was screaming no, the Bucky inside was screaming no but he wasn’t given a reason so he did it anyway. It took everything for him to do it because after so long of being told what to do making a decision was nerve wrecking. It made him feel better at least.

He put his hand into Steve’s and he ignored the look on Steve’s face. He just kept looking forward but he didn’t imagine the little squeeze Steve gave him. He felt grounded now like he wasn’t just floating through time. He had someone to make sure he was ok because he wasn’t the best at it. He could almost see the gloating look Andy would give him at the picture.

When they reached their apartment door James let Steve’s hand go as he unlocked the door. He moved around Steve’s large body and physically slowed down his walk so he wasn’t bolting to his room. He closed the door behind him and flung himself on top of the covers without changing into pajamas.

He hated doing this to Steve. He wasn’t any nearer to getting better and he hadn’t made much progress in the way of memories. Sure, he talked to Sam once a week but even on his good days they lapsed into silence for long periods of time. He found it difficult to tell Sam or anyone, really, what he felt. He wasn’t supposed to speak but he knew that wasn’t true anymore. He wanted to be close to Steve but he was so warm and James was cold. He wouldn’t do that even though he wanted to.

He had one memory to call his own from before but that didn’t make him good again. All he had was Steve and the studio and Sam. He probably had a friend in Andy if he ever  
decided to tell her anything. He knew she was one of those unnaturally good people who would say it wasn’t his fault and treat him like she had the past month but she had nothing to compare him to. Steve had every memory they had ever made together stored in his head and he hoped he wasn’t messing it up too much.

He wasn’t the man Steve wanted him to be or needed him to be and trying to be Bucky was exhausting.

 _~They were leading him over to the chair. It was leather, blood stains in the seat. It was situated in the center of the room, monitors around it buzzing. His heart started pounding in his chest but the monitor wasn’t hooked to chest yet so no one knew except him. He could feel his blood pumping in his ears and he half wished that his heart would sputter out_  
_and leave him dead on the ground._

_He let them push him into the chair and restrain his arms and legs down. He knew in some dark crevice of his mind that he should fight out of this but he didn’t because he wasn’t sure it was necessary. He’d cease to exist surely, after._

_He saw him then. The one that was in charge. He couldn’t remember him exactly but he knew like he knew other things with no memory to assist him._

_The man walked up to him, “It’ll all be over soon, kotenok.” He pushed the plastic mouth guard into his mouth and the taste was sickeningly familiar. Just like everything else. The chair buzzed then and pushed him back. It was like a dentist chair._

_The contraption moved and buzzed to life, fitting around his head easily and he could feel his breathing coming out in short pants. He squeezed his eyes shut.~_

“Bucky. Bucky. You have to wake up.” It was Steve standing over him, his face in James’s personal area. He flinched away from him but corrected the mistake almost instantly. He reached out for Steve who allowed himself to be pulled into James’s small bed. They were too big but James was shaking and he knew Steve would stay. He hated that Steve would stay but the selfish part was happy with this. With Steve curled around him in a protective cocoon. He didn’t need protection. Steve did and he supposed that was why he couldn’t bring himself to leave.

 

It didn’t take long before James and Andy were needed at the studio close to everyday. They went over and over and over the dance until James was sure he could do it in his sleep. The regional competition was the upcoming Saturday and James had literally told everyone. Steve of course was coming and much to his surprise, Thor.

“I much enjoy watching Midgardian dancing,” Thor had said taking the flyer and stomping away.

James wasn’t prepared for the amount of work into how they looked would go though. Sheryl took his measurements the two weeks before the show and then made him and Andy dance once in the costume before the show. He thought that was all it took, a little costume but he had been more than wrong.

He had a bag with his outfit in it, he had said good bye to Steve at the check point and then spent ten minutes trying to not hyperventilate with all the people around him. He saw the sparkly sign with Jazzy’s on it and Andy stretching under it. She was still in her warm up outfit and smiled when she saw him.

“Hey, Jimmy,” she said. He nodded at her. “Wanna get our clothes on and then we can do our hair and make up?”

“Make up?” he asked.

“Just so your face isn’t washed out in the lights.” It seemed reasonable enough so he didn’t fight it. She pushed him into one of the bathrooms and it took him a nanosecond to  
realize it was the girls’. He relaxed when he saw other guys in here. All of them sitting somewhere as a girl did their hair or make up. A few guys, however, where in the corner and curling a girl’s hair and putting lip stick on her.

He changed in one of the stales. Most of the guys were pretty ok changing in front of the girls who were equally as comfortable changing in front of the guys. James blamed it on his 1940’s upbringing but it seemed a little wrong to just drop his pants in front of a room full of ladies so he didn’t.

Everyone was pulling and pushing and it was crowded but he hadn’t had a panic attack in over a month and he wasn’t about to ruin that streak. Andy was keeping a soft commentary over what was happening around him when he noticed her jaw clench and her eyes narrow.

“Oh, Andy,” said a guy following a girl who was obviously his partner into the bathroom, “Fancy seeing you here.”

“Hello, Rob.”

“Found a new partner,” Rob said looking at James and just laughed before following his partner farther into the bathroom. “He looks absolutely wonderful.” James could hear the sarcasm but wasn’t sure why. He thought he looked ok. He had cut his hair and everything.

“He’s a real charmer,” James said and Andy laughed, the tension in her shoulder evaporating. She just went back to his hair and then went to her own. He could hear that Rob guy saying crude things about him and Andy under his breath across the bathroom but he knew his voice wouldn’t be heard by Andy. Not with all the talking and door slamming that was going on.

“Ready,” she asked and he stood up to help grab all her stuff and stuff into her bag.

“As I’ll ever be.”

Sheryl looked them over when they went back to put Andy’s bag under the Jazzy sign. “You guys look great. You can do this. Breathe.”

She kissed Andy on the cheek and James wasn’t expecting it but he got one too which made him feel good. Like he belonged.

Andy led him out of the waiting area as the last dancing competition ended and he took in the crowd. It was large and he saw everyone in the front row with signs and noisemakers. Nat, Clint, Thor and Steve were sitting there. Tony, James saw, made his way with Pepper and Jane to the end of the row with a pretzel. Coulson and Sam had Bucky Barnes shirts and were sitting on either side of Fury.

“I can see Steve,” said Andy, “Have you made a move yet?”

He sighed. “I held his hand,” he admitted.

“Baby steps are better than no steps,” she sighed and just looked at him, “You’re ridiculous you know.”

He looked at her, about to defend himself but she cut him off. “No, Jimmy, listen. I’ve seen him ok. When I go to refill my water bottle he’s waiting for you like a lost puppy, just waiting for you to come back. He has the biggest, sappiest grin plastered on his face when he sees you and if you think he doesn’t like you back you’re dumber than a sack of rocks.”

“He does?”

“It’s like you’re oblivious.”

She dropped it then because the MC was now on the dance floor greeting the spectators. The first couple was on deck and Andy had the list clenched in her hand. They were number 18. The MC announced the couple and they danced and after their last pose James was happy to see that not one of friends was clapping with any gusto. Just a polite applaud. He made eye contact with Nat and she winked.

Watching 17 couples took a shorter time than James would’ve thought. He was standing on deck with his arm around Andy’s shoulders, her thin arm around his waist. They had to smile now and on the floor because he could see cameras everywhere. He didn’t want to be scowling on film.

“Now, please welcome a veteran dancer with a talented newcomer. Andy and James of Jazzy’s.”

They walked out to the floor, James could see his friends looking at him and he could feel the heat in his face. He hit his first pose with Andy. She was smiling and he saw her mouth the word breath. Andy nodded to the MC who nodded to the Dj and the music started.

James had never had a memory as he danced with Andy but this time he did. It was kind of like passing thought. He wasn’t outside himself or disoriented. He was still very much dancing with Andy but he remembered something else at the same time. Another competition except less so than this.

He remembered in 1941, before the war, going out on a double date with Steve. Steve and his date were sitting away from the floor while Bucky and his date were on the floor with a spear of the moment routine in a spear of the moment dance off. He wasn’t sure how it ended.

His first lift he could hear Coulson whoop for him along with other Jazzy supporters. He kept it going until he hit his last pose, both he and Andy were breathing deep but smiling.  
The crowd was yelling and he had never seen Nat show any real emotion but she was stomping with Sam and Steve.

James and Andy walked off to get their picture taken on the side of the floor.

“Oh my god,” Andy said, “We’re gonna place. We have to.” He was pumped with adrenaline. He hoped they went to States because then he’d have another dance on top of the one they just did so he’d be more than busy. After the picture they walked back out to the floor and sat on the edge with the other couples. They had been 18 and they were now on 20. Only one more couple and then they’d take a moment before telling everyone who was going to States.

Andy was holding his hand and squeezing it so tight. He could see his row of supporters gripping hands too. Thor was gripping Steve’s who was gripping back and loosely holding Nat’s. Tony, Pepper and Bruce were huddled together while Sam, Jane, and Clint crossing their fingers.

The MC came back on the floor and started talking about how great they all were. She pulled out third place envelope and Andy moved to sit facing James. They were holding hands, her eyes where closed and she was hoping with all her might, James could see it on her face.

“Holden and Mariah!” The couple yelled and so did others in the crowd. He heard Andy say they had two left and went back to praying or whatever it was she was doing.  
 

“Rob and Clarissa!” Andy groaned as she watched her old partner walk over with a smug look on his face to take his red ribbon.

“And first place goes to…” the MC said.

James didn’t know when his eyes closed as if he was praying too but if it worked he didn’t care.

“James and Andy!”

When James opened his eyes the look on Andy’s face was the exact mirror of his. He didn’t remember standing up but then she threw herself into his arms, her legs wrapped around his waist. He carried her over to the MC, spinning her around before collecting their ribbons. Andy pulled away and they just did it because they had been so happy. It was like a friend kiss. Just a peck of lips on lips. Neither one of them thought anything of it. It was the perfect response to being so happy. It was the only response to convey how happy they both were. It didn’t mean anything.

How wrong James was.

After the competition they all went to get something to eat. James said goodbye to Andy promising to meet up with her for lunch or something later in the week to celebrate just the two of them as she walked out with her boy Cam.

Sitting down for shawarma, because Tony was paying, is when James noticed the look on Steve’s face. He was withdrawn and seemed moody. Steve was never in any other mood except chipper and his “Son, don’t” mood so James was a little confused, and maybe worried. Nat kept glancing between them trying to assess the situation but James didn’t think  
she had any more success than he did. The subway ride home was in stony silence and Steve didn’t say anything until James was in a fitful sleep.

He had been having a nightmare when Steve woke him up again, rubbing circles in his back. James pulled Steve down next to him but it took more than a tug to get Steve to comply tonight. James looked at him and hoped his blue eyes were giving the right message and they did because Steve climbed into the small bed with an exaggerated sigh.  
James was in Steve’s arms then and it was almost normal but Steve was uncharacteristically tense. “What’s wrong,” James asked too loud in the silent apartment. Steve blushed before swallowing. He looked down like he was afraid to make eye contact with James.

“Do you like her,” he asked James. It was quiet and James knew that without his super hearing it would’ve been inaudible.

“Who?”

“That Andy girl,” James almost laughed. Steve had to be kidding but when James saw his face he saw that Steve was indeed serious.

“No,” he said, “I like someone else. That kiss was just like a moment thing. She has a boyfriend.”

“You like someone else.” James didn’t know what to do. Did he confess, did he deny? He wasn’t sure. He always felt gestures and actions were so much easier than words so that’s how he handled it. He put his hand on the side of Steve’s head. He looked into Steve’s impossibly blue eyes and then leaned in. He did it slow enough where if Steve decided he didn’t want this he could’ve easily moved away.

James kissed Steve.

Bucky kissed Steve.

When Bucky’s lips touched Steve’s another memory surfaced. He had done this before. Just once before. Right before he closed the door on Steve and went to war. It was the last  
time he had seen Steve small and skinny with a rattle in his chest. Steve tasted the same as back then but something a little sweeter. When Bucky pulled back Steve was just looking at him.

“Why didn’t you tell me we’d done that before?”

Steve, the little shit Bucky was beginning to realize he was, repeated his words at him, “I thought it was just in the moment type thing.”

Bucky couldn’t help it. He rolled his eyes before kissing Steve again and again. Steve didn’t protest, just kissed back and then tried cuddling his bulk into Bucky’s arms. “You’re not tiny anymore, Steve.”

“Your point?”

Bucky just chuckled. It felt good to laugh. He wrapped his arms around Steve, or at least he tried, cuddled against Steve’s warm back to fight the chill of his half-forgotten nightmare.


End file.
